He even startedtalking badly about your family, and you feel he wants to distance you from them. I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. it was a constant struggle for almost 5 years because when Id drive to see him, wed get alone time, but of course i had to drive there. lets_be_honest It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. Ergo, off to the parents home. Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! But yeah, having a partner whos very close to their family is not for everyone. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. You dont have a problem with that, but does it have to be every weekend? Besides, the whole point of living in NYC is so you dont have to rely on Metro North to get int to the city on the weekends amirite!? GatorGirl If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. He lived 4.5 hours away. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! I am afraid for humanity. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. i really disliked him. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. January 20, 2012, 11:41 am. remember, its only been 3 weeks since you moved in. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). Hes going to choose you. bittergaymark You mention what you used to do when your were single. Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. Thats on you. His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. And you are right, regardless of anything, if she has a problem with it, he should be able to find a compromise that makes everyone happy. If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. If you only have two free days per week, its rather selfish to take up one of those days every week with a visit to his parents, eliminating a lot of other possibilities. muchachaenlaventana January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. ForeverYoung The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. A lot of family time. June 18, 2014, 9:55 am. And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? When they were planning on adopting, I told her that if this is an issue to where she is left with baby a huge amount of time and resents him for it, its not going to be pretty. I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. i dont know every time i go to assume anything i say the little rhyme to myself in my head. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. Its sad, but it happens. spending evenings with his parents is one thing but choosing to sleep over there when they are literally down the street seems bizarre unless they are elderly and he is worried about them. He is not making her a priority & placing a lot of his focus & free time with his parents. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. Just the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the world. There is also his room, just as it was when he lived there. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. maybe im misunderstanding you. Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. Friends of her own? The rest of the time he spent with me. Haha. This too. Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. every place has natural wonders. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. Lindsay lets_be_honest I come from a pretty tight knit family, and yea, when i was a kid i remember everyone coming over to mom and dads for Sunday lunch. Francine Ann Cannon. Maybe Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late. She doesnt mention doing it with him at all. What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. A picnic in the park? Doing that every week seriously compromises a relationship with a partner who is not ok with that set-up. I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. allathian January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. But are they really guilting the boyfriend? Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. AKchic It is not wrong to Want to spend time with loved ones, but as an adult you ought to be fair and accommodating of your partner and potential kids. Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. when we have an issue with something we just say lets talk about it. lemongrass At least, most of the time. Haha. No he actually does not spent 80% of time at his parents. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. But if that doesnt work, I think you need to accept it or move on unfortunately. Some peoples parents are just like that. In my experience, though, it seldom works. Just because you live together does not mean the dating portion of events is over. What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. I agree with you both. Listen and dont judge when he tells you why he likes going to his parents and respect his opinion on that. But sitting down, and discussing everything as if its just business doesnt sound very appealing to me. Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person Really? My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. its a really exciting time for your relationship! Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place. Share that with your boyfriend as well. I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. Ktfran Its just simple, smart, communication! but, i mean my husband and i just talked about it. If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. Thats totally a lot. GatorGirl silver_dragon_girl They go to see one of their families every weekend or see both some weekends, and its something they both agree on. That sounds like two out of three, and maybe that was because of the holidays. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. If you split everything while dating, I dont think it is wrong to assume that you will continue doing so once you move in together. Say that you enjoy spending time with his parents but you really miss your city weekends, so youd prefer to stay home except for maybe once a month. January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. They are content with the status quo. And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. 1. According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. Or stay the whole time? Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). January 20, 2012, 9:44 am, So this is what you need to do LW. I purposely do this so hell not do the same with me. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. As my Irish/Italian grandmother used to say Begin as you mean to go on., rangerchic Thats a long ass time at home, no? He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. Stop getting angry over small unrelated things and tell him what is really bothering you. Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. WebGo to counseling with your husband. ele4phant Starting over! which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. I think its also different when it isnt your family. Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. I just dont understand this concept. If they are going to see his parents then I think he should pick up the tickets, especially since finances are tighter for her. And unless he has something planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed at midnight. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. ForeverYoung But it seems like they want to take things slowly. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. Ditto to the making plans paragraph. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. You say We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. Which wouldnt have happened before since she maybe didnt realize how much he wanted to/did see his family. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom My husband likes This went on for two and a half years, and after that we moved in together. Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. Its just that based on textbooks and the definition of words and so on, yes sometimes things will be labeled as normal or dysfunctional. YES! I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. So the last month theyve seen his family every weekend? Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. Heck, some people are just like that. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. So make him choose. They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. First, you are against it because youre fine where you live and dont want to ruin it. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. allathian Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest Thatll probably shut them up. It took both of us a while to cut that back to what it is now, first it moved to one set of parents each weekend so wed alternate, and then down to every couple weeks. I Wish I Were Homeward Bound. My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. muchachaenlaventana Could that be why theyve been there so much? Ill add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his parents house yourself. My point is that this guy is not going to change and if you try to change he may lash out at you and say hurtful accusatory things like that!!! I guess then that depends on the LWs definition of a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. Anyway, LW, I think that first of all, youre a little premature in worrying about this to the point of writing to DWjust talk to your bf about it. Those are two crucial things that need to be in place if youre going to spend your life with this man. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. His family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine Yeah, it is all really about individual preferences. Then you need a different boyfriend. i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. Remember there's a reason you want to spend Christmas together. Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. If he chooses visiting his parents because the alternative is sitting at home, plan some fun things for you two to do together that will be too good for him to pass up. Im torn. January 20, 2012, 12:15 pm. Something that youre going to have to communicate about. Our favorite free activity is to find new parks/trails in our area and spend the afternoon on them. The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. That was seven years ago. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. ForeverYoung You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. In fact, this couple isnt married, so they arent even her in-laws. Too much info missing. One thing you can try before just accepting things as they are or moving on already is to start scheduling activities and day trips on the weekends that your boyfriend is home. I get that many dont, but I dont think thats dysfunctional. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. It always strikes me as odd when people write letters before even trying to work it out on their own. Two things.. Ive dealt with this type. Posted on Last updated: December 26, 2022. If one or a few things are particularly very important to you, then those will most likely be discussed just because. 5. Hey, were in 100% agreement today, as opposed to 80%. Stop going to the burbs with him all the time. You dont want to talk about important issues with a SO so that you can pretend moving in together is a great idea because you dont know any better because you have SPECIFICALLY chosen not to know about better? Well, then you are simply NOT a match. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. Look at the situation from everyones position. January 20, 2012, 8:02 am. Will.i.am Unfortunately, men dont seem to pick up that way. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. He works a road construction job that requires him to be gone every week during the summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. January 20, 2012, 11:18 am. bluesunday Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? If hes not receptive, as others have said, I think you have your answer on how to proceed. If you are a big saver or spender, its likely your SO will just know that about you and the first time it comes up as an issue, you work it out. WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. Next time, instead of going on trips together, try eating out or going for a picnic. . There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting him to spend more time with her. I mean, I worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion. Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. So dont wait around for that. I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). If theyve only been living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend at his parents excessive? Okay okay. Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? Come on, BGM! but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. I base this on the LWs statement that one or the other tries to make her feel guilty for not wanting to spend every weekend with the parents. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. OR look up state parks. GatorGirl I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. I agree with the expenses. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. Not normal. Like, I just went to The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip. realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. Maybe you can offer to make dinner or get tickets to a play or museum show. right! Granted I dont live at home so definitely value all the time I get there, but some people just are more comfortable/prefer being around their family. Lemongrass Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. 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